Greatest fear

I know I've done a blog before about my biggest fear. [refer to my old blog] And it was non-other than birds. i would be lying if i said it was my greatest fear. I'm 20 years old [301 days til I'm 21] and my greatest fear.....is not living. [shall i explain] Not making a career for myself. Growing old alone. Not experiencing those things your suppose to experience when you grow up.......and last [but not least] not getting out of the Valley. I fear that I'm gonna be stuck here. And who knows maybe i will. But it won't be for the better. For...as long as i can remember, I've be infatuated with Paris & New York [yeah i know typical places] but not to me. The closest I've to those cities is photos and movies.

And about the other stuff. Not making a career for myself. Lets face it.....i didn't get the internship. [the departure date is in FOUR DAYS] kinda late notice if you ask me. And i can't get a job here, because [oh yeah that's right] you cant get a job without experience. And you can't get experience without a job. [so yeah I'm screwed] I have nothing going for me. I admit I'm not the prettiest out of the bunch. [being blunt I'm a freak, because of my height] [Its like I'm the Eiffel Tower and everyone else is the buildings around it](nothing compares)

Which leads me to....growing old alone. [Your probably saying "Your 20 you have plenty of time" and yes you would be right] I haven't had the best relationships. [an abusive relationship (which i still have nightmares about), a jealous one, and one where i realized we were just meant to be friends] I see these couples, and i just feel.....alone. I see my sister and her hubby & even my parents....and i cry [inside of course] [i try...not to let it bug me...but in reality it does]

Today [5-31-10] i broke the news to Kike that i knew i wasn't getting the internship. I couldn't even type it without crying. So [casually] i went to the bathroom [while Jessica was in the kitchen ...baking]. I locked the door, and sat down on the floor and began to cry. I guess when you have so much emotions in you.....it just comes out.

I know my sister [and maybe even my brother-in-law & parents] will probably read this. And they will try and give me their two cents. I'm not really sure i can take it. I'm not really sure they would understand.

Jessica - is gorgeous. Even if she doesn't know it. Married to her best friend. Smart. Lots of good friends. Probably never had a lonely day in her life. [though she may disagree.....she hasn't]

Danny - is talented [and that he probably knows] Level-headed. Generous & appreciated. Married to his best friend. Makes friends ....easily.

Mom & Dad - even though they are divorced. they seemed to have found each other again. And maybe they have had a lonely day. But......ever since us [Jess & I] they never had to endure a single lonely day again.




I......just want to .......LIVE.

Alternative?

Ok, maybe I've been going around this the wrong way. Thinking that my only way of having a summer was to get that internship. However, my sister, Jessica, stated an alternative that i never considered. I could be fine doing that. But i think i would have to find a way to find some cash.

Primary: Internship to....wherever

Alternative: Visit my Sister [the Royer Family]

I never really got to....know...my sister. we are 15 years apart [ i think]. Not like her and my sister know each other. We have things in common yeah, but still. That would be nice. To know more about the Royer family.

I'm still hoping that i get the internship. [sure if i don't get it i will cry for a bit but at least it won't be the end of the world.]

The possibilities are endless.......

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less
traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost (1916)

Change

Is it possible to for one person to change other peoples lives? or their way of living?

I think i can. I think maybe i have. [maybe not for the better as i have heard]
I think I'm a good girl. I don't do wrong by people. I try to make the right choices. I avoid confrontation, so i hardly ever argue with people.

Sometimes i think about him. Although, nothing ever happened between him I can't help but wonder "What if". Like maybe i could've helped him, like in school and his health. If he let me. I don't think of him that way, not anymore. But still, you can't stop your mind from wondering away. But his words are still with me. I wasn't the one he chose. And maybe it was for the best. But "What if".

I think i have the ability to change someone. But maybe, that isn't always a good thing.

Idk, maybe im feeling a little lonely. But i shouldn't regret what i've done right. I mean you grow from experiences. But maybe, my experiences have made me weaker. is that even possible.

I'm not looking for sympathy. Or even pity. Its healthy to get things off your chest. And even though, not alot of people will read this, it doesn't matter. Because its out of my head.

I am........change.

Impatient

Why can't they put me out of my misery. I HATE waiting. I've had it up to here! [FYI I'm holding my hand above my head] I wish i knew. OH! by the way I'm talking about the final decision for the internship that i applied to [about 2-3 months ago]

I want to know already, so i can cry for a bit then get over it. This waiting is agonizing! I have a feeling that i didn't get it. [I'm being pessimistic right now] After all, nothing good ever comes my way. Seriously. I can't think of one good thing that has happened to me. For once i wanted something to happen. Maybe someone [God] would stop punishing me. [Heck maybe i am being dramatic, but that's how i feel (lately) 24/7]

Time............[Sucks]

L.O.V.E

Love(lŭv):(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love

Love has many definitions. And I'm surrounded by it. Whether its my sister and her new hubby, my parents, the love they have for me or the love i have for my pets/hobbies.

I feel privileged to see their loving moments....but i wonder...when will i have mine. Sometimes i feel like a third wheel. And its true, most of the time i am.

But sometimes i wonder, if someone feels love towards someone is it ok, to ......[get angry]....argue about the tiniest things. I know I'll do it...its normal, right...i think. But if it should be unconditional love, should those little things matter. I feel so confused.

I can i love someone....and not love myself. [maybe I'm weird one]

I sorry :(

Ok ok..."random week" didn't go as planned. turns out i was just writing [how do you say it] BLOGS!!! So this is my apology. :( I sorry my devoted followers [LOL]

Random week: Wednesday

Wednesday:

So on Monday i realized that Glee (season 1: volume 1) has the same cover layout is vaguely similar to the movie cover of Hairspray.....




Weird HUH!?!? that's what i thought....i put the two together and started cracking up. Yeah i know its not that funny....but i found it....

How come i find similarities between things??

Like Miley Cyrus's "See you again" sounds like "Sunglasses at night" by Corey Hart.
&!!! Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA" (intro) sounds like "Heaven" by Los lonely boys

[is it me or does Miley Cyrus not have an original bone in her body???] I'm just saying...