Greatest fear

I know I've done a blog before about my biggest fear. [refer to my old blog] And it was non-other than birds. i would be lying if i said it was my greatest fear. I'm 20 years old [301 days til I'm 21] and my greatest fear.....is not living. [shall i explain] Not making a career for myself. Growing old alone. Not experiencing those things your suppose to experience when you grow up.......and last [but not least] not getting out of the Valley. I fear that I'm gonna be stuck here. And who knows maybe i will. But it won't be for the better. For...as long as i can remember, I've be infatuated with Paris & New York [yeah i know typical places] but not to me. The closest I've to those cities is photos and movies.

And about the other stuff. Not making a career for myself. Lets face it.....i didn't get the internship. [the departure date is in FOUR DAYS] kinda late notice if you ask me. And i can't get a job here, because [oh yeah that's right] you cant get a job without experience. And you can't get experience without a job. [so yeah I'm screwed] I have nothing going for me. I admit I'm not the prettiest out of the bunch. [being blunt I'm a freak, because of my height] [Its like I'm the Eiffel Tower and everyone else is the buildings around it](nothing compares)

Which leads me to....growing old alone. [Your probably saying "Your 20 you have plenty of time" and yes you would be right] I haven't had the best relationships. [an abusive relationship (which i still have nightmares about), a jealous one, and one where i realized we were just meant to be friends] I see these couples, and i just feel.....alone. I see my sister and her hubby & even my parents....and i cry [inside of course] [i try...not to let it bug me...but in reality it does]

Today [5-31-10] i broke the news to Kike that i knew i wasn't getting the internship. I couldn't even type it without crying. So [casually] i went to the bathroom [while Jessica was in the kitchen ...baking]. I locked the door, and sat down on the floor and began to cry. I guess when you have so much emotions in you.....it just comes out.

I know my sister [and maybe even my brother-in-law & parents] will probably read this. And they will try and give me their two cents. I'm not really sure i can take it. I'm not really sure they would understand.

Jessica - is gorgeous. Even if she doesn't know it. Married to her best friend. Smart. Lots of good friends. Probably never had a lonely day in her life. [though she may disagree.....she hasn't]

Danny - is talented [and that he probably knows] Level-headed. Generous & appreciated. Married to his best friend. Makes friends ....easily.

Mom & Dad - even though they are divorced. they seemed to have found each other again. And maybe they have had a lonely day. But......ever since us [Jess & I] they never had to endure a single lonely day again.




I......just want to .......LIVE.